You Are My One and Only
by kaeh96
Summary: JJ gets some amazing news while in Afghanistan. Too bad not all good things last...


**AN: Hey guys! Sorry I've kind of dropped off the face of the earth, I've been crazy busy. But, no worries, I'm back with better, fresher ideas :). Happy 200! It's easily the best episode of CM so far, and my favorite episode. This oneshot is basically just me venting about JJ's second pregnancy and miscarriage. It was very hard to write this, and I hope you enjoy. I've integrated lyrics from Ed Sheeran's "Small Bump". Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds and/or it's affiliates. I do not own Ed Sheeran and/or his affiliates.**

_"__you're just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life"_

**_Early March, 2011_**

JJ laid on her hard bed, the nighttime chill of the desert coming in from the small flap in her tent. She thought about her long and emotionally tiring day. Instinctively, she brought her hand to her lower abdomen. Being two months pregnant while in the middle of the Afghani war zone on a life-threatening mission wasn't easy. Telling Cruz about the pregnancy was difficult, and she didn't plan on telling anyone else, not even Will. At least, not until she was positive she would make it home safe, and that she would be there permanently. She had always been good at keeping secrets, and she intended to keep this one from as many people for as long as possible. Being surrounded by men didn't help either, she didn't want to seem soft to them.

_"__I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can"_

She thought about what her future with this child would be like. She'd been shocked yet thrilled when she found out just that morning, and she couldn't wait to get home, tell Will, and start the next chapter of their lives. A million questions about her unborn child went through her head, so she let herself make up answers to them. She wanted a little girl so badly, one that would have long blonde hair and big brown eyes, just like Henry and Rose. They would play games and share secrets and she could stroke her daughter's hair late at night when she was having nightmares to comfort her, just like her own mother had done with her. She made a vow to herself to protect this child no matter what, she wanted to keep this experience as easy as possible for both her and her unborn baby. Henry had had too many close calls, and her pregnancy with him wasn't intended at all, and it had been a rough time for her. Of course now everything was almost perfect, she and Will definitely wanted this baby, being as they had been trying to have another baby for months. However, she was still on assignment, and her job was far from over. She needed to work as quickly as possible so she could get home.

_"__I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth"_

**_Mid-May, 2011_**

JJ felt numb, helpless. How could something that had meant so much to her, be ripped away so quickly? Why did she allow herself to even get into the situation? How could she have been so careless? She should have found a way to get out of this whole mess a month ago, and this wouldn't have happened. She told herself she was stupid, and that she wasn't meant to be a mother. She had done too many dangerous things in her life that put too many of her loved ones in danger, and she didn't feel she was worthy of having good things in her life. Of course, she never thought she would lose her baby, which was the issue; she never considered it. She had let herself get so caught up in everything she was doing that she didn't even consider not only her own safety, but the safety of something so precious, so fragile. She'd failed, and she could never turn back.

_"__you are my one, and only"_

She wanted nothing more than to have her baby still inside her at this very moment, to be doing the nightly routine she'd fallen into about seven weeks ago, during which she would place her hand over her small bump, and whisper sweet little things to her unborn child. She told him/her she loved them, that she couldn't wait to see them, and that everyone else would be so excited for them to arrive. She told him/her about Will, Henry, and her family at the BAU. She bonded more and more with her precious cargo everyday, and now she felt a hole in her heart where that bond had been. She was devastated, she'd never felt this much pain in her life, ever, and it was so overwhelming that the only thing she could do was shut down, with an unbearable pain consuming her entirely. It was as if someone had ripped out a piece of her heart with their bare hands, and where that piece had been, feelings of failure, anger, depression, and grief spilled out. She prayed her pain would just end, somehow. She felt her will to keep fighting slip way as the hours of the night passed, and she wished she had been killed in the explosion. At least that way, all of this could be over, forever.

_"__you were just a small bump unborn, for four months then torn from life,_

_maybe you were needed up there, but we're still unaware as why"_

**AN: Yes I'm aware I skipped JJ going to help Emily, I did that intentionally. She goes the day after she discovers she is pregnant (I just decided I needed her to still be in the desert that first night.**

**PS: sorry if I killed you!**


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